Three breakdowns

Comme ci

Comme ca

After five weeks in England, we’ve returned to our French farm in the clouds. There has been a sustained onslaught of violent storms in our absence and we were dreading what sort of post-apocalyptic devastation we might be met with. Apart from a battlefield blanket of broken twigs and floppy leaves, damage appears to have been kept to a minimum. Three trees have come down, but they’re all well away from the buildings and have fallen onto open grassland. And it keeps raining…


Despite the unrelenting drizzle, I’ve managed to harvest three large courgettes, twelve butternut squashes, two green peppers, five leeks and countless cabbages. We were also lucky to find some walnuts and sweet chestnuts, as there is a strong army of red squirrels here that competes with us to gather these, year after year.


Our journey down through France was unexpectedly stressful. After driving smoothly from Calais to Paris, suddenly, just south of Paris, our temperature gauge rocketed into the red. We came off the motorway and took a look under the bonnet. All of the water in the radiator had disappeared! We used our two bottles of Evian and a bottle of screen wash to fill it up again, but it was immediately dripping out below. We asked Google Maps to find us a local garage and ended up at a little dilapidated garage in the middle of nowhere. A mechanic had a look and decreed that it was the water pump that was leaking. He said that they would have to order a new part and it would take up to seven weeks, but he also suggested that we consider option B, that is, continuing our 330 kilometre journey south and stopping to fill up the radiator every few kilometres. He gave us a large container of water and we set off. We had to stop every forty kilometres or so to fill up the radiator and replenish our water supply, but, we eventually made it home, six hours later than planned. The car is now in a local garage awaiting repair. Meanwhile, some very lovely friends have lent us their spare car.


Breakdowns tend to come in threes, so perhaps you’d like to guess what other important things aren’t working? I know that you’ve already picked up on the fact that there have been violent storms, so, yes, the phone line and internet are down until two weeks’ time at the earliest. We are more frequently without internet that with, so we can cope, despite the fact that my work is online. Fortunately, my little mobile phone can provide a hotspot, although my phone’s battery lasts for only about three hours these days. And I’m using up all of my data allowance! I need a technology overhaul. 


So, the third thing? Yes, I’m afraid that it's sewage related. The waste pipe from the upstairs toilet appears to be blocked solid! This also means that we can’t use the shower or basin upstairs, reducing our washing facilities to the downstairs toilet and one small handbasin. And the kitchen sink, I suppose. 

So, what are we doing to unblock the sewage pipe?

1. Repeated flushing of toilet
2. Detaching toilet from wall to reveal top of soil pipe and using everything we have that’s long and flexible to poke down
3. Cutting inspection holes in kitchen wall, knocking on pipe to detect areas of hollowness and solidness
4. Clearing out fat trap and inspecting pipe junction
5. Pouring down four litres of vinegar
6. Pouring down an entire one litre bottle of sulphuric acid unblocking fluid

Conclusion: Still blocked for about a metre of vertical pipe. We think.


Next step: Buy a spiral rodding kit at Mr Bricolage.

Okay, we’re just back from Mr Bricolage with the spiral device. And another bottle of acid. Kevin is going upstairs again to remove the toilet and begin spiraling. It sounds like he’s sawing…

The spirally thing in action

The secret of patching up holes the Frankenstein way

The thing to add an inspection hole to the down pipe for future sewage-related escapades

The inspection hole revealing the end of the spirally thing and the squeaky-clean sewage pipe

The difficult truth is that there is a high possibility that there was never a blockage. Having spiraled vigorously and having cut an inspection hole at the base of the vertical drop, there is nothing to see apart from shiny cleanliness. It is, of course, possible that while we were out buying the spiral device, the acid did its job and cleared the pipe. But Kevin now thinks that it may have been an entirely different problem. At the top of the waste pipe, behind the cistern, there is a thing that let’s air in on demand to enable a swift drop, just like when you sometimes have to put another hole in a container when trying to empty it. These things don’t often go wrong, but, it’s a possibility. It’s inaccessible, and looking at it would entail cutting yet more holes in my finished walls. I’m reluctant. Kevin thinks he may be able to attach a subsidiary one to the wash basin drain pipe, which is accessible without causing too much destruction. We’re going back to Mr Bricolage in a minute. We Brits keep the French brico stores running, I think. We’re on first name terms with all of the staff!

Well, we bought a thing and we've incorporated it into the waste pipe for the wash basin. No difference. Everything sort of works, but slowly.

I'll let you know when we discover the truth of the matter. Don't hold your breath. 

And now to another lot of holes...

It’s cold and damp here, and we still have no heating. We have all of the parts necessary for heating; they’re just not fully joined up yet. Kevin’s been cutting holes in the sitting room wall to move the electrical points to make way for the log burner, and to put in a chimney. The putting in of the chimney is the hefty hold-up, as the wall is a metre thick and made of great chunks of granite. And mud. All we need now is the right equipment. Where is it? In England with all of Kevin’s tools.


Kevin is currently in the kitchen patching up the holes. I’ve been baking bread and making butternut squash soup this morning, which brings me an element of domestic joy. That’s why I’m cool about the holes. 

It's been a few days since our fractured car journey from England to the south of France and we now have news of the car. We need a new water pump. Quelle surprise! The garage can't get one. Apparently. So, we've just ordered one from Euro Car Parts and it'll be here on Monday. I'll let you know about that too.

I found a big heart-shaped stone. Sadly, it's too late for my terrace...

So, I must end here, as I'm squatting at Alain and Brigitte's house using their wifi, and my laptop is out of battery...